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The Assad regime and other international threats
This is me.
I am in Morocco for the Friends of Syria meeting. I am pleased that the US has recognised the Syrian opposition, in concert with the UK's previously-extended recognition. We must work together with both regional and international powers to combat the Assad regime and to offer support to the Syrian people.

While here, I have also been presented with the paperwork to remove Lord Mandelson from the no-fly list. DEFRA writes to say that he has been cured of his lycanthropy and is officially deemed human again and no longer a threat. 

There are those who would scoff at such a claim, and assert that once a sub-human, always a sub-human. And I am wary of the idea that a complete cure is possible - the scientific literature indicates that "cures" are incredibly rare and their aftermath under-studied. I have written to DEFRA to say that while I am acquiescing to their request to remove Lord Mandelson from the no-fly list, I trust that they are continuing to monitor Lord Mandelson's condition. Should a relapse occur, I am far from certain we could rely on Lord Mandelson to do the honourable thing and turn himself in to care. Not because of his political allegiance - I hope that I may consider myself beyond such partisan considerations - but because an animal brought to bay will protect itself above all others.

Nonetheless, I am glad that DEFRA believes that Lord Mandelson has been cured. It is a good moment for the world when science makes it possible to begin to put some of the horrors of the past behind us, and an enlightened government indeed that is able to quash its own reactionary elements and elemental fears to do the humane and compassionate thing. As long as Lord Mandelson's condition continues to be monitored, I am proud to be a part of a government that will allow him to fly. No longer are we in the days when sub-humans were simply shot upon being identified. We are a modern party and a modern government, unlike the last; Lord Mandelson will be free to visit Corfu again, should he desire, or to roam freely across the wild wastes of Siberia. Labour would have locked him in a camp and, were he cured, locked him away to experiment on him in an attempt to produce the cure more widely. We have set him free.

I have signed the paperwork. Perhaps I should send a copy to Lord Mandelson himself. Goodwill is important, wherever one finds it. 

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So masterful!

I'm so glad you're making progress on Syria at last. You've worked so hard. I just wish I was there to see it.

I miss you.

Thank you for your kind words, Jeremy. We all miss you at the Foreign Office; your work was always satisfactory.

One of these days I shall liberate you from Theresa's clutches. Until then...

Perhaps you could pop back round one of these days to tie up a few loose ends and say hello to the staff.

I'd like to do that. I miss everyone too, especially you.

But not today. Theresa's locked me in my office. She says people shouldn't see me while I'm stoned. Nasty Theresa. I'm hungry, and I'm not that stoned.

And my computer screen's upside down. If I squint at it funny it goes all pretty colours. Maybe if I squint harder the colours will stay and keep me company.

I miss the thing you do with your mouth.

...Theresa has locked you in your office because you're stoned. Truly, the Home Office is an enigma.

Perhaps you might try asking her if you may simply go home? It seems cruel and certainly against European human rights law to lock you in your office. Also, people might talk.

As for the computer screen, I am no IT professional, but perhaps you might call the IT department? Although given your current level of drug intoxication, perhaps it's better to simply take a nap. Perhaps the computer screen will have righted itself when you wake up.

I really miss the underside of your desk. Theresa doesn't have a proper desk like you did.

All the government is an enigma. But the Home Office is really odd.

Yes, I think I would like to go home! Ms May believes in European Human Rights. Maybe I should tell her that. Or maybe I should call Mr Bercow instead. He can tell her what to do if she won't let me.

Oh, I like those colours! they're pretty and swirly. Much better than green. Still upside-down, though.

...And why do you know about Theresa's desk?

Yes, I think a call to the Speaker may be in order. A stress on the imprisoned facet of your predicament might be wise, rather than on the incidental drug abuse. If the Speaker balks at offering assistance, perhaps you might mention the fact that it was his security that allowed drug paraphernalia through the doors of Parliament. He should have that looked at.

As for the computer, are you entirely sure you have disengaged what I believe is called the screensaver?

I was ... doing as I was told? Like you always said?

Thank you, I knew you'd know what to do. I've called them and left a message.

I don't think so. The screensaver has little portcuss--portcullises on. This just has wobbly bits.

Depending on what the wobbly bits look like, Jeremy, someone may be playing a prank on you.

Do let me know if you are still locked in your office come morning. I will have words with Theresa.

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